Grief  month #2:   Well for anyone that is out there, trying to find some enthusiasm for life again, finding yourself changed or perhaps changing is a better word, you are not alone.   I see shifts in friends, surprises from those i thought were closest to me, being moved by their actions to the outside of my safe circle.   Not so much fun but definitely helps me realize that the power and control to protect my own life has been inside me all along.  It's just been hiding amidst the well-bred, good manners, being a good person,  turn the other cheek, always understanding, putting others first, i'll do anything you want please love me.... voices  I have allowed to direct....well, to not only direct but dictate to me.    It's almost another leap of growing up.  Advertising phrases like, Nike's "just do it", a myriad of empowerment phrases like, "believe it, receive it'; visualize your reality, believe it already is and so it shall be....i get it now.... all forms of practice to help reconnect me to my own power to choose me and what's best for me.   That's what all this boils down to.     that still sounds kind of mean or selfish but it's truly not.   How many times have I heard the truth in, "you have to take care of yourself first or you won't be at your best for your kids, husband, job, whatever...."  this is what I'm talking about.  Those internal struggles of decision making based on whose feelings will be hurt, who to, how to, will you....it goes on and on and i've been convinced it's based on being a good person, even suffering to stand in the right of a phantom obligation (phantom because it is my head and beliefs i've talked myself into that make it so).     If i just base it all, on love, loving me, loving others, all things can be said and achieved.  I keep coming back to that when i get stuck,  love is the greatest power, and using that when i question a boundary, a choice, something that doesn't sit quite right.....it helps.   Behind all this culmination of spiritual quest-ed-ness, i believe is my dear Brother's death.  It was that nudge i needed to get over the top, the willingness to be courageous to look and to do, to ponder the hard questions, to know i am not alone.