and after 3 years....

After 3 years now....my family has all moved on in various ways.  I have waves of  superbly missing him and feeling him close at the same time.  I have accepted his absence and desperately wish it was not so.    I thought i would post and try to help people by being vulnerable via transparently and authentically sharing.  I have done that but not as often as i  originally planned.

Life seems to be one tough situation after another and will always be made of situations of some sort beyond my control, some of my own making and the important thing seems to be that i walk through them as a whole human being.  Keeping my head and heart together, not being persuaded by variables to  give me up for someone else.  That's been a real gift to realize and   own deep within me that I am very valuable and it is not the right thing to give myself up for others needs, wants or desires.  This does not get me the good person badge from the Creator and it is truly not necessary or something even desirable.  I know when i see social media posts about my friends losses that there are no words i can say that will help let alone be remembered, but I know saying them anyway is the thing to do.  Grief is a bitch and also a teacher, as is everything if one looks upon it that way.

Grief  month #2:   Well for anyone that is out there, trying to find some enthusiasm for life again, finding yourself changed or perhaps changing is a better word, you are not alone.   I see shifts in friends, surprises from those i thought were closest to me, being moved by their actions to the outside of my safe circle.   Not so much fun but definitely helps me realize that the power and control to protect my own life has been inside me all along.  It's just been hiding amidst the well-bred, good manners, being a good person,  turn the other cheek, always understanding, putting others first, i'll do anything you want please love me.... voices  I have allowed to direct....well, to not only direct but dictate to me.    It's almost another leap of growing up.  Advertising phrases like, Nike's "just do it", a myriad of empowerment phrases like, "believe it, receive it'; visualize your reality, believe it already is and so it shall be....i get it now.... all forms of practice to help reconnect me to my own power to choose me and what's best for me.   That's what all this boils down to.     that still sounds kind of mean or selfish but it's truly not.   How many times have I heard the truth in, "you have to take care of yourself first or you won't be at your best for your kids, husband, job, whatever...."  this is what I'm talking about.  Those internal struggles of decision making based on whose feelings will be hurt, who to, how to, will you....it goes on and on and i've been convinced it's based on being a good person, even suffering to stand in the right of a phantom obligation (phantom because it is my head and beliefs i've talked myself into that make it so).     If i just base it all, on love, loving me, loving others, all things can be said and achieved.  I keep coming back to that when i get stuck,  love is the greatest power, and using that when i question a boundary, a choice, something that doesn't sit quite right.....it helps.   Behind all this culmination of spiritual quest-ed-ness, i believe is my dear Brother's death.  It was that nudge i needed to get over the top, the willingness to be courageous to look and to do, to ponder the hard questions, to know i am not alone.

so often i think of making dinner for friends, family or i am invited to go do something and I let work get in the way, or i think i'm just too tired to go, or maybe my husband will give me attitude and want me to stay home.  After my brother left this earth existence, i have really been reevaluating my life.  I value my time and am saying yes rather than, i'll do that some other time.   My wish is that by writing this Blog, I might touch someone's heart who is letting precious time go by, working too hard, missing moments with their kids, spouses, siblings, dear friends.  That's one component.   The other is the silly grudges people can hold or be mad over something for years that can't even be remembered that keeps us from family.   People who share your childhood, good , bad or indifferent, there is nothing that can simulate the bond between siblings and I think it's really important.  For me, my Brother was the one person on the earth that shared my DNA, that truly understood the frustrations with our parents, someone i could call and talk who could lend an understanding ear and usually with a gentle word or two, bring a new perspective or calmness to a situation just because he truly understood what I was talking about.   Family is really important.  I haven't always felt that it was.  I have been very close to certain members but the cohesiveness, the Sunday dinners all disappeared with my Grandparents.   Sad but true.

This is my first posting on my blog.   I just lost my brother unexpectedly at 51 years old.  It was a shock, and a myriad of experiences have bombarded me over the past 6 weeks since he passed.  
Accidental death, unexpected death is so different from watching someone wither away from an illness or an elderly person passing away after a long life.....it is unbelievable.   One phone call your life is changed, no do-overs, no chance to have a conversation about all that you haven't said or an opportunity to express the depth of your love, nothing.   One phone call and they are gone forever.  All the money in the world can't change it.  I am so glad we had a relationship, oh sure it could have been even better, fuller, more time spent together, that will always be the case i think for us all.   But, we had a relationship, he knew I loved him, I knew he loved me.  We talked, laughed, disagreed, gossiped, and hugged.   My heart was heavy, sad, but so grateful we hadn't been at odds.    If you have a sibling, or anyone you are estranged from based on some grudge or resentment, please put it aside, because that precious person, no matter what age, can be taken in a moment.....forever.